if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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