Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
