when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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