coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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