I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
