shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
