someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The air was thick with penises
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
