Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
