And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
