xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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