dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
