you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
