Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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