I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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