Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
