Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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