My liver just broke up with me...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
