I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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