The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
