i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's never too late to be topless.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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