In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
