as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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