my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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