I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
