It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
