What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize