Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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