I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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