i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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