Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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