Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
