To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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