Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked my hip out of place.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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