Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
