fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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