You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
