Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
