The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
