He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?