I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
whose parrot is this?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
