he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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