The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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