So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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