DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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