I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
