My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
