I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
