we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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