Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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