After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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