Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
