I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
