i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
