I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
