Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
